The Mascot Games – NFC South Edition
Posted: March 5, 2013 Filed under: General Sports, NFL | Tags: atlanta, bay, brees, buccaneers, Bucs, Carolina, drew, falcons, Mystical, new orleans, NFL, NOLA, Panthers, Pirates, saints, tampa, TheDrawPlay.com Leave a comment »The season of free agency and combines are upon us. The constant rosterbation has hit a fever pitch with trades, free agents and draft picks. However, since none of this is based in a shred of reality (maybe some educated guesses), I have decided to come up with the 2013 NFL Mascot games.
The rules are simple, each NFL team must have their own mascot on the field at all times. One is the minimum, the entire team is the maximum. All animals will be trained/trainable, but the bounds of reality of that animal still applies (I.E, a Bear can’t be trained to be a perfect read option QB, but would be a beast DE or something to that effect). I will preview each division over the next few weeks, then ultimately pick one team that rises to the top.
With that being said, here is how I would configure each NFL team – where I would put their mascot, and if this ultimately hurts or helps the team.
The second installment, the NFC South.
Atlanta Falcons - Peregrine Falcon - Position: FS
I have always kinda looked at the falcon as the generic Seahawk. Now, I know this isn’t true, and there are several species of falcon that are actually way different than an osprey in many ways. However, I don’t walk around Discovery Park with a really expensive iPhone app and spotters goggles, so to me – these animals are pretty much the same. However, I did come across this sweet Google image of a Falcon that is white.
But if I were to actually pick a Falcon in an effort to give this team a bump, you got to go Peregrine Falcon. It is the fastest animal on earth, reaching in upwards of 200MPH in dives to catch it’s prey. So it only makes sense that the falcon plays defensive back, and honestly – I would treat it like a blitzing safety. Imagine this guy just circling, then on a key 3rd down, dive bombing the QB at 200MPH? Team improvement? Slight improvement over Eugene Robinson, who dive bombs hookers. Or did before anyway.
Carolina Panthers – Panther (the legendary creature) – Position: Defensive Tackle (DT)
This was the animal that I thought for sure would be the most cut and dried, but lead to a rabbit hole of wacky research about Panthers. See, I didn’t want to go the lazy route and mail in this synopsis:
“The Panther is a mean-ass cat and makes sense on defense. Put in the pass rush and he will maul quarterbacks.”
Now this is true, and while I am tempted to end my analysis there, I learned too much about mythical Panther to ignore it, and obviously the impact on the football field.
I don’t want to completely paraphrase Wikipedia (for you Ben) – the mythical Panther has endured centuries in many different cultures as a beast that emits a powerful scent after three days of sleeping. People are enchanted by it and follow the Panther. In different civilizations, the Panther isn’t always a Panther – sometimes it is a deer, a bull, whatever – but shares this unique quality. I really suggest reading the Wiki entry, it’s fascinating.
So with that being said, it makes sense that the Panther be at defensive tackle. However, the Panther won’t have to do much besides emit scent, which will draw in the offense (and probably the defense) into a scrum. Just make sure one of your defenders has an Avian Flu mask on so they can swoop the ball from the entranced player and take it to the house. All games the Panthers play may result in a 7-0 score.
Team improvement? High. Insanely high.
New Orleans Saints – A Quality Marching Fellow – Position: QB
This was another one that could have gone with picking a literal Saint to be on the team. However, I find that to be a little boring, plus I don’t think God cares about the outcome of football games, no matter how many post-game interviews would lead you to think otherwise. So with that line of thought, NoLa should thank me for not putting an apathetic deity on their team. I want to make them better!
That’s how I found the Quality Marching Fellow, which is a mash-up of British Stereotype and the graphic design genius of David Rappoccio of TheDrawPlay.com.
The monocle suggests intelligence, marching suggests that there is a tireless pursuit of perfection yet moving at the same steady pace, and fellows are a good nickname for those that are on their way to “chaps” – which takes some time. So, we have found a character with the utmost pride in his work, a sterling ethic and intelligence to boot.
Since I couldn’t pick player-coaches, I had to go with the field general position for him on the Saints. Drew Brees is getting a little older, has plenty of weapons and isn’t that tall. This guy can come in at 6′ 1″ (I made up that height) and starts working with all those weapons immediately. Plus, he is really smart. He can distribute the ball. Now, is he as physically gifted as Brees? Not sure.
Team Improvement: On the field, slight downgrade – in life, high moral upgrade for the city of New Orleans.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – A Buccaneer (NOT a Pirate) - Position: WR
As hard as this is to believe Buccaneers are actually cooler and just as dangerous as pirates. To go SAT analogy on you, Buccaneers are to mafia bosses as Pirates are to petty street thugs. Both are dangerous, but one has way more style, is way more lethal and probably took your girl home.
Their name originated from a few words over the years, but I will take the wiki excerpt it originated from the fact that they ate Manatee meat. Can you believe that? It’s like these guys ate mermaids and robbed from Spanish conquistadors (who had no problem eradicating entire civilizations) so you know they don’t have remorse for anything or anyone.
These guys were hired guns by mostly the English to take out Spanish shipping merchants, made tons of cash and also had a B.A. reputation. So where does he fit on the field?
I decided to go with WR here, because jumping from ship to ship, stealing riches and having a gigantic ego just sounded like a wide receiver. He will always want the ball and will make sure to get it when it is thrown his way. You need to be that aggressive with Josh Freeman at quarterback – you don’t always quite know where that ball is headed.
Team Improvement? Yes, I mean really – Muscle Hamster needs all the help he can get.
Winner from this division? I think I have to hand it to the Panthers just because of all the intangibles that history brings to the fold. The Panther can literally take over a game with just it’s scent. That’s amazing, and the Bucs, the Falcons and Saints couldn’t resist that. Standings would be Panthers, Bucs, Falcons and then the Saints.
New Orleans is going from the Hornets to the Pelicans?
Posted: December 6, 2012 Filed under: NBA | Tags: NBA, new orleans, Hornets, Pelicans, Jesters, name, change, NOLA Leave a comment »
This is true mascot of New Orleans!
I know there are some weird named teams in the NBA. Lakers in Los Angeles, Jazz in Utah and the Kings of Sacramento. You don’t think the Kings is weird? Have you been to the capital of California? No one would want to be king of that place. If you’ve been there, you know what I am talking about. The latest name/mascot for an NBA team is throwing me for a loop. According to many reports, the New Orleans Hornets are changing their name to the Pelicans. Unlike the previous named teams, at least they are getting their own identity, instead of keeping a name clearly linked to the city the team used to play in. The Pelicans is a terrible name choice, too.
I have never seen a pelican in NOLA, although I was a hot mess when I was visiting and there was plenty of other interesting things to look at. Doesn’t a pelican seems very lame for a mascot? I guess technically, it’s a bird of prey, but how much fear does a pelican conjure? Just Google on Bing “cartoon pelican” and tell me what you see (here, I did it for you). Every one of the pelicans looks pretty dopey and clueless.
Walking around the streets (more often just one street, Bourbon), I saw one particular creature floating around. This majestic creature was a Jester, which is also the mascot I believe New Orleans should give their basketball team. Everyone loved them and they always were in the middle of a good time. When you think of a jester, you think of entertainment. Unlike the pelican, which is kind of a creepy bird that provides very little entertainment. When we were in NOLA everyone who spent anytime with a jester lost most of their inhibitions, were at a loss of a words and constantly had the urge to dance. Who wouldn’t want their basketball team associated with this much fun?
So, let’s cut all the crap. The city of New Orleans isn’t thought of for having giant fish-eating birds, it is thought of a place to kick off your shoes and take off your shirt. Don’t try to church it up, Joe Dirt style, just stick to what you are good at. America loves you for you, embrace it. Make your team colors neon green and purple and throw “Jesters” on the front of them. Hell, you can even call them “Skinny Jesters”, at least it has fewer calories and would be a good way to raise public awareness toward health.
Why WSU Fans Should be Rooting for UW
Posted: September 6, 2012 Filed under: General Sports, NCAA Football | Tags: Baton Rouge, BCS, cougars, Huskies, Leach, Lousiana, LSU, Mike, new orleans, pac-12, SEC, state, Tigers, uw, Washington, WSU Leave a comment »
This weekend, some of the team here at No Fair Weather Fans will be traveling down to New Orleans and Baton Rouge, Louisiana for Brad’s bachelor party. Well most things we will be doing can be left to the imagination, one event that is very important is the University of Washington Huskies taking on the Louisiana State University Tigers. As a Cougar fan, it would be easy to root against the Huskies. They are our rival and no one roots for their rival. Well, I will be rooting for the Huskies on Saturday and so should you.
The reasons are really quite simple. A UW win only benefits the Cougs. If it helps you get past the fact you are rooting for UW, just think of it as your conference versus the best conference in America. Strength of schedule is a major factor in the BCS rankings. Not saying that WSU is going to be a factor in the BCS this year, but it will be in the near future. (C’mon Mike Leach!) You should want all PAC-12 schools to win every out of conference game. This benefits the whole conference which includes us, that’s right us, the royal us, the Cougar nation.
Big wins by PAC-12 schools against quality opponents brings more attention to the conference, which brings better recruits to the conference. Let’s face it, Mike Leach is hot in the recruiting game. We have all seen the interviews with Leach, he is hilarious and knows how to pad offensive stats. The PAC-12 being the best conference in college football will bring in the best players and WSU will be getting them for sure. It all starts with wins over SEC schools.
If the PAC-12 becomes a better conference, that means more bowl eligible teams. More bowls means more money. The PAC-12 splits bowl money amongst all the schools in the conference no matter which team goes. On top of all that, I am sure you’re just as sick of the ESPN east coast bias as I am. A win here can get more attention on the conference and let’s face it, the attention is way overdue.
It all starts with the game, Saturday. Look close on television and you will see a Cougar rooting for UW. Which looking at it all, I will actually be rooting for WSU.
Put your hate aside. It’s for your own good. Go Cougs!
Bountygate is really Lawsuitgate
Posted: April 4, 2012 Filed under: NFL | Tags: bountygate, commissioner, goddell, new orleans, NFL, payton, saints, sean Leave a comment »
I will say right from the start that the New Orleans Saints should be punished for bountygate, only because they were told to stop and didn’t. Now that I got that out of the way, I also think the punishment is way over the top and there is a reason for that. The NFL is trying to avoid future lawsuits by showing that it is an advocate for player safety and trying to look good for the current lawsuits against them.
Roger Goodell works for the owners not for the players. Therefore, he is going to punish people who aren’t owners with great severity. Many former players and current players have said that bounties have been going on for years. All of a sudden its a big deal? Yeah, because players are suing the NFL for not taking proper precautions against concussions and other head injuries. Being an employee of the owners, Goodell needs to protect the owners money from these lawsuits.
Have you noticed that with all previous suspensions the crime and punishment are released swiftly and at the same time. Take the fines for coaches and teams in the past. If a coach rips the referees on Sunday, he is fined Monday and everyone is told why he was fined. Now, look how long this fining and suspending took. First, the NFL says the Saints are in trouble. Then, a couple weeks later the suspensions and fines are handed out to the owner and staff. We are still waiting on the players to receive fines and suspensions. I know there is the NFLPA to go through but, this could have all been done behind the scenes and release all at once, just like they normally do. Instead, Goodell is keeping it in the news as much as possible. The more publicity that is given to bountygate, the better the NFL looks.
I think think the whole thing is ridiculous. If the Saints are going to have players suspended, suspend them and let the Saints move on with their season. The NFL needs to stop going over the top to protect themselves and dragging this process out for their own self interest. The NFL should just do what it has to do and get on with the season.
