The trade deadline looms soon in the NFL, and teams will be looking to potentially send off some of the future to take on some of the present. If there is any division that might be in sell mode, it would be the NFC East. However, let’s preview the player on their team that they can’t trade – and that’s their mascot.
The rules are simple, each NFL team must have their own mascot on the field at all times. One is the minimum, the entire team is the maximum. All animals will be trained/trainable, but the bounds of reality of that animal still applies (I.E, a Bear can’t be trained to be a perfect read option QB, but would be a beast DE or something to that effect). I will preview each division over the next few weeks, then ultimately pick one team that rises to the top.
With that being said, here is how I would configure each NFL team – where I would put their mascot, and if this ultimately hurts or helps the team.
The fourth installment, the NFC East. The Cowboys, the Giants, the Eagles and the Redskins, now taking the field.
Dallas Cowboys – A Cowboy – Position: SS
The quintessential American bad-ass, a brand of rough and tumble dude who helped the U.S. realize it’s “Manifest Destiny” (now if you click that link for a little history lesson, you can see “Columbia” leading people west. PSHHH, it should be like a bald eagle with a sick mohawk or maybe a giant train just steamrolling buffalo and trees, but whatever).
Cowboys are also cool because they invented country music, farting around campfires and being able to shoot anyone or anything with a six-shooter from like 50 yards away.
I can imagine that a Cowboy would be a pretty decent football player, because he has no general feelings of pain and is made basically from leather. So, if I was Jason Garrett, I would put the Cowboy at Free Safety. The cowboy can tackle steers and stuff, so taking down someone like Brandon Jacobs should be child’s play. First of all, Jacobs is a big dude, but not as big as a steer, and Jacobs sucks so he could totally get tackled by a guy who doesn’t play football.
Pass defense could be a little bit of a liability, just because that takes some serious coordination. I don’t know if a Cowboy has that going on for them.
Team Improvement?: Marginal. Run Defense would be solid, pass defense is a little weak but would crush a dude going over the middle.
New York Giants - A Giant - Position: TE
There are so many definitions of a Giant, or the type of giant that you could model this player after. Some have just insane implications, like a dude/mythical creature/norse god that is 50 feet tall with size 46 EEE cleats and just kills the other team in a brutal display of strength, speed and agility. But, that’s boring. Nobody would want to see that, and quite possibly all the spectators could die as well because those type of Giants have a temperament to just kill all.
So, let’s take another trip down history lane and pick a Giant that people would pay to see, and that’s Goliath.
Now, I am going to get out in front of this one, and caution, spoiler alert for those who haven’t read the Bible – Goliath gets killed by David and gets his head chopped off. Goliath apparently has a soft skull and took a BB to the dome which somehow knocked him out. Also spoiler alert, this would make Goliath a terrible modern football player, because – you guessed it – concussions.
With this super obvious flaw, defense is completely out. Offense might work, but there isn’t a position that doesn’t really take head hits besides QB (WHICH IS A FLAG! DON’T TOUCH THEM THERE EVAR) but Goliath would be a terrible QB. He clearly underestimates his opponents, so he would be super cocky throwing into coverage, stuff like that. Plus he would always be throwing down to his receivers due to his reported height of nearly 10 feet.
So I went with tight end, maybe a Joker type who would be a mismatch nightmare. Eli, who always throws to the wrong team could literally just loft it up to him and he wouldn’t have to do much besides catch and run. He would also be super hard to tackle, but once he did get down, he better watch his head.
Team Improvement?: Marginal. You would think that Goliath would kick ass, but he would always be on the sidelines without his helmet because he couldn’t pass the concussion test.
Philadelphia Eagles – Bald Eagle – Position: FS
First off, click that link above. You are welcome, that’s your new wallpaper. ’Murca.
I am realizing that there are quite a few bird mascots in the NFL. I am trying to figure out why that is, because if you are going to go with a bird, why not go with the symbol of the greatest nation to ever grace this green earth?
The bald eagle is just so inspirational. Once the Philly Eagle took the field, the defense would suddenly be filled with pride and a confidence of a military that has never lost a war (Vietnam was a “conflict” bro, USA USA) and decided to kick the world’s ass in war, two times. When WW3 inevitably rolls around, guess who will win. ’Murica. Land of the free, home of the brave.
So with all that being said, Philly’s D would be freaking insanely awesome. Chip Kelly now wouldn’t have to worry about the weakness of his team right now, which according to major news outlets, is the 11 trying to stop anyone from scoring.
But in this case, it would be 10. I know I have said about the Falcons & Seahawks about picking balls off all the time or whatever, and well, the Cardinal brings nothing to the table. In this case, the Eagle wouldn’t have to play. He would just randomly perch on the arms of guys like Patrick Chung and boom. Intimidation.
Plus, trying to harm one is a federal offense so you can’t try to take him out of the game.
Team Improvement?: Major upgrade. I mean seriously, they are literally untouchable.
Washington Redskins - Ummmm – Position: Undetermined
Yeah, not touching this one. I will go on record here though and say that Dan Snyder sucks.
Team Improvement?: No.
Winner of the division? This is a tougher call than I would have imagined. The Redskins have already been eliminated, so we are left between the Cowboys, Giants and the Eagles. Given Goliath’s injury problems, I can see the Cowboys or the Eagles taking them down, plus, Eli man. F’n Eli. So it comes down to the Cowboys and the Eagles (cue nostalgia here from the NFL of yore) and the nod has to go to the Eagles. Did I mention that America has put people on the moon? The symbol of all that we stand for is on Patrick Chung’s arm. Just chillin’.
